2003-06-03 - 1:57 a.m.
When I was a young child my mother once told me that Bruce Lee never used any medicine, not even aspirin. I've since never heard any evidence to substantiate my mother's claims about Mr. Lee, but nevertheless I've tried my damnedest to model myself after him -adopting the phrase DEATH BEFORE DRISTAN.
Now, the other night shortly before drifting off to sleep I heard a mosquito whine by my ear. In a panic I turned on the light to hunt down and kill the fucker. Hunt unsuccessful, I decided to hide my entire body under the covers, to deny the insect a dermis in which to sting. However, in order to breathe my mouth had to remain exposed. Inside of fifteen minutes I awoke with a pulsating mosquito bite on my lower lip.
The bug venom that was introduced to my face triggered a haywire response from my sinuses. Nasal region enflamed, I didn't rest again until well into daybreak.
When I awoke my sinuses were still enraged and my lip was swollen, as if I'd been the recipient of a chop from Bruce Lee himself.
Later that evening I found myself in the close proximity of a furry feline and I was still sneezing wildly. It was then I was offered an Allegra. My situation was dire, and my willpower crumbling. I whispered a few ancient Ninjitsu words to incant the spirit of Lee for guidance, but to no avail. I decided to take the commercial prescription strength allergy pill.
Oh sweet wonder of science! Oh holy angelic chemical engineers! My entire constitution was reconstituted! Oh Bruce, no wonder you departed us so young! I was strong again! The largest Dandelion in the land couldn't bring on the slightest tingle to my nostrils. Now, when commercials for Allegra and scores of other prescription drugs come on the television, I experience a newfound curiosity and craving...
